For a moment, his mind went blank.
For a moment, the smile on his face froze solid.
He processed what the Nameless One had just said to him, and then…
“What did you say?”
He understood.
Hah. Hahaha. Ha.
A hollow laugh escaped him. But the man’s face remained unchanged, frozen in that cold expression.
“How dare… I shall ask you again. What, wh-what did you say?”
At that, the man turned his back to him. He faced the warriors who had parted to let him through and spoke.
“I told them I would punish you, and that is how I entered this place.”
The meaning of those words was clear.
So clear that the smile evaporated from Richard’s lips, and his eyes wavered.
“What do you mean? What is.”
Richard’s hands began to tremble. Unconsciously, he bit his lower lip hard enough to draw blood as he spoke.
“What do you mean by that!”
Startled by his shout, his followers began to gather around him. He paid no mind to their whispering and continued.
“Did I did I kill someone? No. Did I steal? Also no! I have not broken a single line of the commandments, and the Lord knows this! I have honored the one God, kept the Sabbath holy, honored my parents, distanced myself from falsehoods, and coveted no man’s wife or property! I-I-I.”
Richard’s fists clenched. In this unexpected situation, he felt no other emotion.
“What have I done wrong?”
Only pure bewilderment.
“I smashed the idols.”
Because the holy scriptures commanded it.
“I spread the gospel.”
Because the holy scriptures commanded it.
“I performed baptisms, I took in the poor, I-I! Yes, I did all of that! What part of that was wrong? Just as the Lord cleansed the temple, I cleansed their so-called ‘sacred sites’ and erected a cross! Was this not following the example the Lord showed us? J-J-Just as the Lord commanded his disciples, I ordered them to abandon all and follow only Him! Is this not the greatest teaching a Christian can offer? I-I I acted according to the Lord’s will!”
He shouted, panting, without even taking a breath. Why else had he endured the crushing drowsiness and starvation? Why why have I done all this!
Did I not do it all because it was the Lord’s will!
He screamed and roared without rest. He wailed. He wept and made a scene. Kneeling before the man, he cried like a child who’d had his toy stolen.
And.
The man was silent.
He said nothing.
He simply waited for Richard to collapse from his own exhaustion… and then added one more word.
“Truly?”
“Yes?”
At that, Richard’s whole body trembled, and his eyes shot open. He glared at the Nameless One, and for a moment, the anger in the man’s eyes seemed to melt away.
“Do you truly know the Lord’s will?”
And.
At those words, Richard fell silent.
Do I Do I…
“How do you know?”
“…”
“You said with your own mouth that you never broke the commandments.”
As he spoke, the Nameless One glanced at the crowd behind Richard. Richard, too, instinctively turned his head to follow his gaze.
His followers should have been there. Their eyes filled with nothing but awe and reverence for the Lord…
“Huh? W-What?”
Something was wrong.
He could find no faith in their eyes.
They were simply afraid… of Richard himself.
Of… me.
“But I see now that you have broken a commandment.”
“…”
“The Lord said, ‘Love one another.’ But you, you have taught them hatred and fear.”
“Th-That, that was hatred for evil.”
“And not hatred for their family, friends, and neighbors?”
“Th-That, the Lord himself commanded.”
“…”
“…”
Richard fell silent without meaning to. A thousand excuses swirled in his mind. Countless sentences assembled and broke apart, over and over.
But his mouth would not open.
His mouth… just wouldn’t open.
The Nameless One slowly crouched down, bringing himself level with the kneeling, silent Richard.
He reached out a finger and wiped away Richard’s tears. “They asked me to send you away from this land.”
“…”
“So, let’s go.”
“…”
“Let’s leave this place.”
With those words, the man stood and spoke to the others. To Richard’s followers.
“All of you, may now return to your families and neighbors. I apologize for all the trouble.”
And just like that, they scattered.
Only the two of them remained in the village.
And beyond, the thousands of warriors still surrounded them, like the sea encircling an island.
As Richard shuffled back in fear, the man gripped his shoulder.
“Do not be afraid.”
“…”
“I will be by your side.”
“…”
At those words, Richard closed his eyes for a moment and opened them.
He was still terrified.
Thousands of people were glaring at him.
Thud.
He forced himself to walk into their midst.
He heard shouting from behind him. He turned to see the chief whose daughter had been taken, clutching the half-starved girl and weeping as he screamed.
“You goddamn bastard! You you, you talk of ‘eternal punishment’ and reduce a person to… to this!”
“You monster!”
“Damned creature!”
Was I so wrong? Was trying to act according to the word of the scriptures… such a terrible sin?
Shame and indignation tangled together, making his body tremble.
Even without that, the raw hatred and anger of hundreds, of thousands, directed at him alone, was a difficult thing to bear.
No one threatened him directly. They spat at his feet, hurled curses, and pointed, but they did not attack him.
Because ‘He’ was watching, just a few steps behind. Because the Mohawk knew that this man’s power was many times greater and wealthier than their own.
Still, it was unbearable.
It wasn’t their hatred and contempt—that, he could just forget and move on from. It was the fact that all his efforts had come to nothing. That was what was so bitter, so painful.
He had come to this land and worked so hard, worked himself to the bone. But if the result was this hatred, this anger, this resentment… where… what did I do wrong?
Maybe… maybe everything about me was wrong…
“You son of a bitch!”
He looked back at the shout.
A large stone and a clump of mud were flying toward him.
Judging by the fact that the person had shouted before throwing, and by the angle and speed of the objects, it didn’t seem like they were actually intended to hit him.
“…”
But Richard made no effort to dodge. He had no will to.
He just closed his eyes.
And.
Thud.
“…”
“…”
“…”
When he opened his eyes again, a dead silence had fallen over everything.
The man who had been following a few steps behind was now right beside him.
Covered in filth and mud, blood trickling from his head.
“Are you all right?”
That is what I should be asking you.
While he stared blankly, the person who had thrown the stone and mud rushed forward, prostrating himself before the man. No, it was more like he had been shoved forward by his own people.
“S-S-Sorry… Great Chief, I didn’t know.”
The man stammered in terror.
“It’s all right. Richard?”
“Yes?”
“Let’s go.”
The man replied calmly.
They walked.
This time, no one said a word.
The Mohawk just held the path open, staring at the man—now ludicrously covered in mud—with eyes full of awe.
Someone from the crowd asked, ”Why would one so noble do that for a sinner?”
The man slowly turned his head to look at him. “Because he will repent.”
“What?”
“Shouldn’t everyone have the chance to repent and to learn?”
“…”
This time, the silence that returned was absolute.
“That is the teaching we believe and follow. If you are curious, come and find us. You will always be welcomed as a guest.”
The man smiled as he spoke.
And just like that,
—they left.
***
Richard stared blankly at the St. Lawrence River, now free of ice, trying to soothe his raw insides.
Of course… it wasn’t working.
Every sight he saw from the deck of the ship was agonizing.
When this river was choked with ice, Richard had been full of ambition. He’d felt like he could do anything. He’d believed he could reveal the Lord’s glory and enlighten the ‘savages’ with the Community’s support.
But what was the result?
The followers he had gathered through intimidation had all abandoned their faith and returned to their old lives. The sacred sites and idols he had self-righteously destroyed and defiled had been restored. Far from building a new church, he was being led back by the hand, like a child who had caused trouble.
He had accomplished nothing.
He would probably never be allowed to return here.
“…”
He was watching the sun set over the river, his heart heavy, when he heard footsteps approaching from behind. He flinched and spun around.
It was, as he’d thought, the man.
“Is it hard for you?”
“No.”
“You don’t have to force yourself to lie.”
“…”
“Why are you wasting time out here alone, instead of coming for the meal?”
“…”
Richard kept his head bowed low and said: “I was ashamed.”
“Of what?”
“Of what I’ve done, of course.” He looked back on his time in the Mohawk lands, and his eyes grew hot. “I-I I accomplished nothing.”
“…”
“I didn’t achieve a single thing. I-I, as a person, have only brought harm to the Community. How could it not be terrible?”
“…”
“I-I just want to die. If my faith were even a little weaker, I might have just thrown myself into that sea.”
“Do not think such things.”
“…”
Despite the man’s words, Richard just kept his head down, staring at the quietly flowing river. He had never felt so powerless. It was as if he had been submerged in a tank filled with the liquid of helplessness and depression. It rose to his throat, threatening to suffocate him.
“I will be stepping down from my position.”
“…”
“It’s not because I achieved nothing. If it were only that, I wouldn’t be this ashamed.” Richard’s hand trembled. He wiped his face with a shaking hand. “I-I still don’t know what I did wrong.”
Ah, the river breeze feels so cold, even though it’s early summer. Is it because the weather is cold? Or is it…
“I acted exactly as the Bible commands. I taught people to live according to the Lord’s will, and I spoke to them exactly as it is written in the scriptures. Of course… I was arrogant. I thought of them as savages and saw them as people beneath me. That is one of my great faults. But, I feel that isn’t all of it. And yet, I still don’t know what my other faults were. I still don’t know what made me fail, or what my sin was.”
“…”
“Th-That, that is my greatest fault. And that is why I must step down from this position, whether you call it priest or pastor.”
“There is no need to go that far.”
At those words, Richard’s head snapped up, and he looked at the man again.
The Nameless One.
The shepherd of the holy church.
“If there is something you don’t know, you can learn it. If there is something you did wrong, you can repent for it.”
The man was looking at him with an gaze of incomparable warmth.
“None of the mistakes you made were irreversible. Fortunately. So, you should be thankful for your good luck.”
At his words, Richard felt himself melt, slumping against the railing. He barely caught his balance and grabbed a nearby oak barrel, sitting on it heavily.
The man bent down, meeting his eyes.
“I will ask you. Who do you serve?”
“What?”
“For whom are you risking your life, sailing to this distant north, preaching the gospel to total strangers?”
Wasn’t the question obvious? It was a question even a five-year-old could answer.
“I-It is the Lord. The Lord, who is the way, the truth, and the life.”
“Correct. Then He is your path.”
“…”
“And a path is something you walk.”
One obvious statement followed another. It felt like he was being told that 1 plus 1 equals 2, and adding 1 more equals 3.
Lost in that thought, Richard’s attention drifted, and he stared blankly at the man’s face,
“So, did you walk that path?”
“What?”
—he was speechless.
For an instant, even the sound of the waves seemed to fall silent. In that quiet, Richard looked at the man’s face. That calm, composed face gave him a sense of peace he couldn’t explain.
“I don’t think I did.”
In that peace, he found he could be honest. For him, eternal life had been a carrot for his followers, and eternal punishment a whip. And he had lashed his followers with that whip and thrown them that carrot like a madman. In the end, he had been a horse trainer, not a shepherd leading his believers.
“I-I don’t think I did.”
His eyes reddened. The man clapped Richard’s shoulder and spoke again, ”You claimed to serve Love itself, but you did not act with love. How, then, could people believe in you, or believe in your god?”
“…”
“Perhaps, perhaps that is why those people hated you so. Because you hated them first. Because you tried to teach them hatred, fear, and greed, but never tried to share love.”
“…”
Richard shook his head, and the waves lapped gently against the hull. He spoke, awash with shame.
“I-I still don’t understand… I feel like I’m close, but I’m not. Can… can someone like me even be a clergyman?”
“It’s all right.” The man smiled. And in that smile, Richard felt a sense of comfort. “You can do better next time. Just go back and pay the price for your sins.”
‘Next time’.
At those words, Richard felt his hands—no, his entire body—tremble again, and he slid from the oak barrel to sit on the deck.
It felt as if the deck, no, the entire river was vibrating. It wasn’t him trembling, but as if some great tremor was shaking the whole world, and his body with it.
“So, did you walk that path?”
The followers who had been driven by a man wielding a whip had scattered. But perhaps, people would follow the one who walked the same path as his god.
Like someone who takes a stone and mud for a sinner, who forgives that sinner and gives him a chance to repent.
He couldn’t hold it in any longer. He wept. He cried and clung to the man’s feet.
The man simply stood there, even as his pants became soaked with tears.
He just,
…stood there.
In the distance, a seabird cried.