Chapter 51

At Yuichiro’s straightforward words, Evelise looked down, her expression momentarily hurt.

“If you don’t want to say it out loud, I won’t force you. If you can’t talk to me, find someone you can talk to. But don’t believe it on your own. Don’t belittle yourself. Evelise, not a single person here thinks of you as a hideous person,” he spoke in a slow tone.

However, Evelise didn’t look up.

Yuichiro gently tapped her shoulder and began to walk away. At that moment, he heard a faint voice from behind him.

“The inside of my heart is hideous, too.”

Hearing that voice, Yuichiro stopped in his tracks. He turned around and looked at Evelise, who was still standing there. She looked like a child trying not to cry, gripping the hem of her jacket with both hands.

“I am a good-for-nothing. I’ve always been told that compared to my talented brothers, I have plain features and lack both charm and amiability. No one would ever want to marry a woman like me.” As if to spit out the stagnation buried deep within her chest, Evelise continued, “My parents despised me for being a failure. My brothers ridiculed me. I was told every day that an ugly girl like me would be best suited to marry into a farming family and grow potatoes.”

The corners of Evelise’s mouth twisted slightly. It was a terribly distorted smile.

“I had no place at home, so I joined the military when I became an adult. My family ridiculed me, saying I must have finally gone crazy, but they didn’t care much about their good-for-nothing daughter anyway, so they soon abandoned me. Being in the military was fun. When I was shooting a gun, I felt like I could love myself. As I accurately shot through the enemy’s hearts, I thought I had a right to exist in this world.”

Evelise lifted her face. Through the gaps of her long bangs, her blue eyes, filled with strong determination, stared straight at Yuichiro. However, her gaze became clouded once more.

“Despite that, they told me to come back home. They said my marriage had been arranged and I should return. My betrothed was a nobleman nearly a hundred years older than me. He already had seven wives, and I was to become his eighth.”

Suddenly, Evelise let out a small laugh. Her voice, which sounded like a soft exhale, was incredibly hollow.

“Did you marry that man?”

When Yuichiro asked, Evelise slowly shook her head from side to side. “No, before the wedding, he passed away.”

“He died?”

“Yes, during the attack on the royal capital, he was burned to death in a church along with many other nobles.”

‘The attack where Goat’s wife and family were burned to death.’

As Yuichiro was recalling that event, Evelise unexpectedly let out a strained voice, “My family was also burned to death at that time.”

Yuichiro was momentarily at a loss for words. Staring at the woman, he fell silent, then slowly opened his lips, “That’s…unfortunate.”

In response to Yuichiro’s short words of consolation, Evelise continued in a matter-of-fact tone, “Well, it’s unfortunate. It’s really unfortunate. It should be something very sad. I had to feel sad,” the words repeated in a mutter, as if driven by some kind of obsession.

“Are you blaming yourself for not feeling sad even though your family died?”

At Yuichiro’s question, Evelise’s expression disappeared for a moment. Her mask-like face stared intently at Yuichiro, giving him an eerie feeling, as if she was staring at him with a mask. Yuichiro felt his skin crawl.

Evelise muttered, “I felt relieved,” without changing her expression. “Even though my family died, I felt relieved. I don’t have to marry a stranger now. I don’t have to be thought of as a disappointing daughter by anyone anymore. I felt relieved from the bottom of my heart.”

Her face then soon twisted. It was a mix of anger and sadness, and her back teeth made a grinding sound from deep within her cheeks. With her back teeth clenched, she continued to growl, “So many people were killed, Vice-Captain Goat lost his family, and many people mourned… Yet, despite all that, I thought ‘good.’ My parents and brothers turned into ashes, and I felt relieved… I’m a hideous woman.” Evelise’s voice became increasingly hoarse, and her words faded away.

“I’m hideous,” she murmured again with a voice full of self-reproach, hanging her head.

Yuichiro stared at her for a while, then slowly approached her. When he was close enough to touch her, he stopped and looked down at Evelise. “If you’re hideous, then I’m an abomination,” he murmured softly, causing Evelise to lift her face in surprise.

“The goddess being an abomination, there’s no way that’s true…!”

“I’ve killed countless people for money. Are those kinds of people beautiful?”

As he tilted his head loosely and asked, Evelise trembled her lips and fell silent.

“Evelise.”

In response to the strangely gentle voice of Yuichiro, Evelise shook her gaze with fear for a moment.

“Do you want me to condemn you?”

As he asked so, a faint hope seeped into Evelise’s moist eyes. While gazing at those eyes, Yuichiro whispered softly, “Evelise, I won’t condemn you. Even if you wish for it, I can’t do it for you.”

“Why not?”

Evelise’s voice sounded almost desperate. Her sad blue eyes pleaded, “Why won’t you punish me?”

“Because I’m just like you. I can’t forgive myself.”

It was an unexpected confession, even for himself. He couldn’t forgive himself. He didn’t want to forgive himself. He couldn’t even wish to be forgiven.

“Even if you can’t forgive yourself to the point of wanting to kill yourself, even if you’re so hideous that you want to cover your eyes, if you can’t die yet and have to keep living, you have to accept your unsightliness somewhere along the way.”

Slowly and clumsily, words were spun. Yuichiro didn’t know what expression he was making now. Looking at Evelise, he weakly smiled.

Seeing Yuichiro’s despairing expression, Evelise widened her eyes. Yuichiro continued quietly, gazing into the woman’s eyes. “I won’t say forgive yourself. But if you’re going to stay here, don’t run away.”

He was aware that he was saying something cruel. He didn’t even know if those words were directed at Evelise or himself. It felt like he was speaking to the depths of his own heart.

“If you’re going to live, fight until you die.”

He thought he was saying something naive. These were not words he should be able to say. Overcome by a sense of shame that surged up, Yuichiro quickly turned on his heel and walked away. As soon as he began to walk away, he heard a voice from behind him.

“Can I stay here?” Evelise stood up straight and stared at Yuichiro.

Looking back over his shoulder, Yuichiro tilted his head slightly. “Do you want to stay here?”

In response to his question, Evelise stumbled over her words for a moment before answering quietly, “I want to stay here.”

“In that case, be my guest,” Yuichiro replied short. Then, with a faint smile on his face, he continued, “And cut your bangs. You won’t be able to see properly like that,” saying his words in a joking tone.

After a brief silence, Evelise nodded.

A few days later, Yuichiro saw Evelise walking briskly through the training grounds. Her messy hair was still the same, but her bangs had been cut straight above her eyes. The woman looked straight ahead with a strong gaze.

As he gazed upon her figure, Goat standing next to him whispered quietly, “The other day, Evelise said she wanted to become a platoon leader.”

In response to Goat’s pleased voice, Yuichiro nodded.